After my week at beach and my whole Roosters Don’t Fly realization, I also came to realize that not everyone is able to hear - let alone, willing to respect your story. When my father died, my mother and sister refused to tell anyone that he’d died by suicide. Meanwhile I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I’d felt so strongly that my father actually wanted his pain to be known, - and even more so that perhaps our keeping his mental illness a secret, had ultimately had lead to his death.
As a result, once I’d left Ohio, I began telling everyone:
“My father died by suicide.”
In short, I was anything but shy. My kids were adults, launched and out of the house. My mother and sister were safely located 800 miles away. No one around me had any idea who my father was, so I felt safe speaking openly about his death.
Yet, six years later, I have come to realize that the person I most needed to protect was myself. Not everyone deserves to hear your story. Not everyone has the right to see your pain. And quite frankly, even wonderful people can say ridiculously hurtful things.
In my experience, sharing you story will evoke one of four responses. Most people make comments that are generally neutral and unhelpful. Statements like: “I’m sorry for your loss,” or the classic “my thoughts and prayers are with you” aren’t particularly offensive, but also offer little comfort. Sharing with these people is fine. Not helpful, but fine.
Others come up with seemingly ridiculous remarks; such as: “Was he in good health otherwise?” (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked that - and incase you too are wondering - No, he was not.) The brain is an organ and his brain was not functioning properly. Good grief - when someone dies suddenly in a car accident no one would dare ask about their cholesterol or heart disease. Sharing with these people tends to prove frustrating.
The most detrimental comments, however, come in the form of advice or pseudo-psychoanalysis. Up there with the never married, childless man who tells you how to be a better mother - yeah… thanks but no thanks! These comments can suddenly pull the rug out from under you, and often do more harm than good.
Likewise, I’ve had people respond with uncomfortable laughter, and others who appeared to categorize me as “mentally unstable” / grieving / dealing with personal issues, and bow out of the relationship.
In short - most people, even the most well-meaning, kind hearted individuals simply have no idea how to respond to a suicide survivor. ( I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for anyone who’s lost a child. )
Of course, there are people out there who can help you! That true friend who simply comes to sit by your side. Honor them, confide in them. And by all means seek them out!
I would also encourage you to seek out a suicide survivors support group. These peer based groups consist of members who have experienced the loss of a loved one to suicide, and are proving invaluable to me. These people do not say stupid things. They get it, they’ve been there. They have honored my story.
Losing someone you love to suicide is not like anything you can imagine. It’s a grief filled with anger, regret, understanding, forgiveness, denial, you name it - it’s in there. Within the walls of a survivor support group, it is safe to say I am angry. To admit that I’ve steamed into the air: “How could you?” My fellow survivors understand - in a way that my neighbor can not.
After finally experiencing real support, and the comfort of a truly safe place to share my story, I see now, how desperate and foolish I’d been. Pouring your heart out to strangers is not helpful. (Many friends - even a few close friends may fall into this category) So choose wisely. Seek professional counselors, peer support groups, and those true friends who have proven in the past that they can and will honor your story.
And remember, what it’s taken me six years to grasp: Talking about suicide, working in advocacy or increasing public awareness is 100% a good thing, however it can not and should not be the primary path to your personal healing.
* To locate a survivor support group near you, please check out the resource page. (I have had great luck with groups I found through NAMI.)
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