Have you ever had one of those moments, we you suddenly realize it’s over?
Be it a relationship, a friendship, or a job… you just wake up one day and know that it’s time to move on. I suspect that just happened to me. After a year of crazy involvement with suicide loss and prevention groups, I find myself, standing once again in Corolla, NC. This time knowing it’s over.
As the Survivors of Suicide Loss International Day came and went on Nov 18th… I realized that I was no longer interested in telling my father’s story … It wasn’t his photo I wanted to show at that event. It wasn’t his experiences, or his illness that sat in the driver's seat now. It was my own. I wanted to share my own story - the story of losing myself as the result of his illness and death. I found myself desperately missing, and longing to reunite with the woman I had been before November 4, 2016.
Of course, I miss my dad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, but if I’m honest with myself, it’s no longer him I’m grieving. My father died seven years ago. I’ve been lost in anger and grief for seven years. My grandson is nearly three. It’s time to let this go.
Of course, I don’t believe for a second that you ever get over the grief associated with suicide loss. And the idea of post traumatic growth holds little appeal. I am not better off without him. In fact, I would much prefer my old life and the foundational beliefs I had held… I am not happier at 60 than I was at 53. But alas, I’ve come to realize that I am not dead: My father is.
I can’t lay down my life with him. I can’t save him or bring him back. Nor can I help my mother as she continues to decline in memory care. But what I can do, is stand up for these little boys.
I am not dead. My father is.
It’s time to let go of his story. And perhaps actively start sharing my own. I’ve return to the OBX hoping to hash out a plan for 2024, and honestly I have no idea what it will be. But I hope and pray that I can and will stop running from grief, and start rebuilding my life on my previous foundation of laughter and joy.
Rest in Peace my Friend: You've (we've both), earned it.
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